Last week my dad
was in the hospital with blood clots in his lungs and this week we decided to
go home with hospice care. We’ve had the
talk about quantity vs. quality a few weeks ago with my pop when his doctor
dangled the carrot of a “new trial drug” that would perhaps offer him an extra
3 months of life BUT with a wonderful side effect of his immune system shut
down and attacking itself. What the hell kind of 3 months would that be????? My
dad didn’t quite understand and we went back and forth some. I decided to let
it go a bit. But the Thursday before he went into the hospital, I tried again
and this time he understood how we wanted him in the ending stages of his life
to be the “happy, jovial, loving, funny southern hard headed” man that he was! And
not well, you get where I’m going with this part…. Our main goal right now is to make him comfortable
and to make sure he laughs and smiles!
This is my 3rd
time dealing with something like this in the past 6 years…… It’s so difficult knowing
that my last parent will be leaving me soon. My dad expressed to me about how
worried he was about that. I decided that I needed to dig deep down inside and
push my selfishness aside and reassure him that I would be ok, and that he had
provided me with so much more than I could ever ask for and that he didn’t need
to worry anymore. I also asked him if he was afraid of dying….. He gave me a
half smile and said no…. I reminded him who was waiting for him and he broke
into a huge smile and said that he couldn’t wait to see all his family again.
As hard as that was for me to do it made my heart smile for him knowing that I could
do that for him.
Being an adult
sure is a stinker sometimes!
This morning around
4am I woke up with an anxiety attack and tears. Not really sure exactly what I was
dreaming about, but I have this sudden sadness that my daddy would be around to
walk me down the aisle nor would we have a father daughter dance. So, today I
am going to ask my dad for that dance and I don’t care if he has on his jammies
and ugly hospital socks!!! Hmmmmmmmmmm, wonder if I can find a “wedding dress”
on my way to MD this morning…………………
Better NOT, I’m sure that would be like 7 years of bad luck or something
like that!
Still finding my
om with RA…………..
Peace, Love and
Light to all!
