Am I mad or angry?

(So it’s been a few! The last few weeks I have been dealing with a personal thing. You ever think that life is moving along great and you are so very excited about the future????? Only to wake up one day and have the love & happiness ripped right from you without any notice.  So now you’re left trying to pick up the pieces of your heart with an itty bitty broom and dustpan.  So that's where I have been in a sad depressed funk!)

 I was asked the other week if I was mad or angry that I was cursed with this disease. Hmm, I never really thought about it, I said. I then told them, nope that I was not. Who was I supposed to be upset with? Who was I to blame? Was karma once again getting me back because I ran a squirrel over with my kids in the car and I lied to them and said that I thought the little thing ran off so he was alive and not laying in the road like he really was! I don’t think so……. I thought about my dad. In a span of 1 year he was diagnosed with kidney cancer, lung cancer and bladder cancer! He wasn’t mad. He just said oh well it is what it is, things could always be worse. This has become my new mantra. I find it to be a waste of energy to actually become mad, angry or upset that I’m sick. What good is that going to do me? Absolutely nothing! How will it help me? It won’t! 

Sometimes it makes me sad as I am trying to find my “new” reality with this. This morning was a bit difficult. I wasn’t able to get down the stairs well this morning and almost fell so I thought that it would be best to just do the booty scoot down them. Guess I did too much walking and standing. Reality sets in and I wonder how much longer I can live in a two-story house. My dad has one of those chair lift thingy’s, I rode on it once and it made me nauseous! So I won’t be installing one of those. I already have a list of this and that need to be changed. The door handles for one. Sometimes the hands don’t work to grab and twist the knob.

I can’t use ziplock baggies anymore, so I have to get the ones with the slider top because half the time my fingers can't grab the bag and pull it apart. The doc told me that I should be walking with a cane. What?!?! Do they come in purple and bedazzled??!?! He was not amused and told me get over the vanity of it. I haven’t had the courage to get one yet. I was so clumsy with crutches last year. I can only imagine what a mess I would be. Driving has started to become a little difficult with holding the steering wheel. Soon I'm going to need someone to start driving Miss Jamie around! Each day I notice something new that's now a little more difficult to do.......

It’s the little things in life that I took for granted. Not anymore! I'm attempting to live each day as a fresh start!  We really must try to start living in the now! 

In the moment!  Not yesterday, a week ago or even last year. But, NOW.

 Still finding my om with RA…………..

Peace, Love and Light to all!