tears, laughter, regrets, love and more tears.

Grrrrr!  So I was supposed to send out my new blog last Friday, April 8th for the 1 month anniversary of my dad's death but, it didn't happen.
My phone went on the fritz and didn't back up or save my entry!!  BUT, I just found it on my tablet!  Yippee!

I would like to THANK everyone for all the kind words, positive thoughts and prayers that were sent my way through this difficult time!!! 

Since my last update life was utter hell........ 

I was able to get my dance though!  We danced to What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong and I even wore my step moms beautiful wedding dress! I was given away by my brother and aunt (my step mother's sister).

It was heartbreaking and breathtaking all at the same time!  I will forever and always cherish that special moment! 

Daddy only lasted 32 days from when we brought him home. Every one of those days was filled with tears, laughter, regrets, love and more tears.

During this time I thought that I was preparing myself for the end and that I was going to be strong enough for when the time came.
The last few days and especially the night prior I struggled with this constant go around in my head ~ was daddy in more pain than he let on, were we doing the right thing keeping him home, would things have been better in a hospice facility, what else could I have done, etc.
The inner conflict was causing me extreme anxiety and a meltdown! The final few hours were so vivid and horrible. I don't want to freak anyone out or anything so I’ll just leave it at no love one should ever have to deal with something so intimate, scary and traumatizing.
I was totally not prepared for my dad to leave me......................

The moment he took his last breath Tuesday, March 8th I felt something die inside of me. I felt alone, like an orphan, and I felt scared.

We held a viewing for him on that Thursday and burial for him on Sunday in Virginia. When I got home late Sunday night from my 9 hour drive and I didn't leave the house or barley the bed for a week. I was so crippling depressed. My body just crashed it went on shutdown. I had been living on the move for quite a while. All the physical pain from the RA I'd been pushing through came pushing back at me tenfold! I suffered from crippling pain, migraines, and exhaustion.

Honestly, it has left me with PTSD and I'm still struggling.

I am just now barley putting one foot in front of another..................

Still finding my om with RA…………..

Peace, Love and Light to all!